I guess this post in a few days late. Been in that flow of updating the socials with all the new work from my super-secret Gauntlet Fan Art Project, and oh, is there so much to talk about. I should provide some backstory first:
Tapping In
As a huge video game fan, growing up I wasn’t allowed a game console in the house, so I had to get my fix in the arcades, or at any convenience store or newsstand that had any arcade cabinets available. GAUNTLET was an obsession of mine, as it was a 4-player co-op game where each player can take on the role of a classic Dungeons and Dragons archetypical hero (Warrior, Valkyrie, Wizard, Elf) and explore dungeons while killing monsters. The graphics were simple (it was 1985, after all), but the vibe was cool (it had an announcer, like most Atari arcade games at that time) but the cabinet art helped fuel my imagination, and I would dream about this game when I was away from the cabinet. I even designed my own version w/ a friend of mine, where me increased the roster and made every character a superhero from Marvel Comics!
Part of the journey I’ve been on lately has been looking back on all the types of things I was inspired by as a kid, tapping into that energy by revisiting images, music, watching old videos and commercials, and feeling that bubbling creativity we’ve all been chasing since we left childhood and dragged our feet into adolescence. GAUNTLET came to mind, and while I’d been doodling on the side for what felt like ages, last year I finally pulled the trigger and started sketching these guys out. I was in literal bliss for 2 solid months, off by myself in Koh Lanta , spending my days (and nights) in total relaxed focus. Then it was off to Hat Yai where I continued this flow, in properly the happiest state I’d ever been in my life.
Homecoming, 2
After a quick visit to see family + friends back in the US last Spring of ’24, having such a joyous time connecting with everyone again, and getting a very brief but crisp vision of what exactly I wanted to focus on moving forward, I returned to CNX with renewed energy. Celebrated my birthday, found a new place to stay about 15 minutes outside the city center, and made it a point to get right to work and start grinding.
But you know what the say: “If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.” Settling into a new residence, no matter how many times we’ve done it, is always a process. The typical flow for me is:
-Awkward first few nights as we get used to the new sounds.
-A week or so of gathering essential items and getting a “feel” for the new area by walking around, trying out the local food, finding a routine.
-Realizing you’re alone and allowing the sadness to sit for a bit.
-Getting on with your life
May-July was rough. Friendships and social flows you’d been accustomed to the first go ’round were…different. New people cycling into life as old familiars hit the perimeter. Riding scooters during a particularly wet rainy season, in lashing warm rain. Trading new social circles for newer ones. Excruciating shoulder pain that prevented me from drawing or painting. Pushing through it to get the website up anyway. Months of terrible sleep. And then…illness struck. I was a sickly youngster growing up, but once my 40s hit I’d been very stable. In early July, out of nowhere, (walking) pneumonia hit, and I was bedridden for about a week. Oh, the fever dreams. Best psychedelics out there, right next to breathwork, in my experience. No drawing or 3D for a few months as I recovered.
Finding Answers
I always knew that each stay in Chiang Mai is different than the one before it, and this was no exception. I was made to face myself, who I really am out of the social context, away from everyone in an unfamiliar area where I barely grok the language. Exploring the pain, and working hard to find solutions. Realizing that pain really boils down to not just “unprocessed emotions,” but really a feeling of resentment that we think we can’t release. I reunited with a friend in CNX who is now a Qigong master, trained 3 hours a day for about 2 weeks, and really opened up and found the root causes of the pain. By the time October rolled around, and after a very brief work trip in Bali, I was a new person. Fired up and ready to get back to it. GAUNTLET was ready to begin, and I loved every moment of it.
The interesting thing about focusing on your “passion,” as they call it? Is it’s not an escape from reality. It’s a direct confrontation with it. There is no escape from reality, there’s just taking a stance on how you wish to deal with it. For me, it’s making art. I’m sorting out so much personal stuff when I’m learning how to rig, or sculpt, or try to get a proper UV setup, or modeling sneakers for the first time. And just like with every 3D project, I’m never quite satisfied unless I’m learning something new.
Integration
“Everything Happens For A Reason.”
Yes, we know. The journey with this project has really been about refusing to shy away from the past, who I am, what I loved as a kid, with not fear of judgment, and integrating that with where I want to be. It probably sounds basic, and it is, but for those who have at some point allowed themselves to feel any kind of shame about who they are or where they come from, it’s understandable. We grow up, we want more, we want better, we try not to look back. But after years of not being able to properly visualize, which, as an artist, feels like a death sentence, I realize the journey is all about forgiveness and embracing yourself. We have to parent ourselves better than we were parented. We also honor our family, namely our parents, not by “being there for them” while clenching our teeth, but by directly letting them know that we forgive them for everything that went wrong under their watch. They didn’t know better, we didn’t know better, there’s no point in holding onto any anger, and part of vibrating higher is realizing that anger has no place in the light.
Anyway, that’s my spiel. I’ll get into greater details on the actual GAUNTLET project process in the next post.
-MJ
Leave a Reply